TRAFFIC NOISE
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen
please welcome to the stage
Mr John Bishop!
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS - Hello!
Thank you!
Good evening.
Got a little bit carried away with the smoke there, haven't we?
Good evening everyone, how are you?
AUDIENCE CHEERS - Good, good.
Thank you for coming here, to the Palladium.
This is... this...
I mean, this is beautiful right? I was here last night
this is only the second time I've ever done a one man show here.
I have been at the Palladium before.
Once before I hosted
the Royal Variety Show here.
Yes. - AUDIENCE: Ooh!
To the royal box up there which was and odd thing to do
AUDIENCE LAUGHS - Yeah.
Put your own jokes in, if you want, yeah?
It was an odd thing to do because, right, I...
It was funny when I got asked to do it because I'm, like...
from a tradition. My dad's a big trade union man.
We're from the part of the world where we're not really monarchists.
We're part of the world where it's a bit odd
to go and do something like the Royal Variety Show
because, I'll be honest with you
I think a monarchy is a ridiculous thing.
I think it's daft
but it's but it's a little bit like having heated seats in your car.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Before you've had it, it seems stupid
but once you've got them, you think
I couldn't really be without them now, to be honest.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
And I'll be honest. When I did it, the one that I did...
Uh... it was Prince Charles and Camilla
and I was the host
and since then, I've met all of them, and I like them.
Particularly the young royals, I like them, I've met...
I've met Prince Harry.
Uh, and I like him.
He's dead down-to-earth, he's exactly what you see.
He's dead down-to-earth. I think the stuff he does
with the lnvictus Games is brilliant.
So, so... yeah. - AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
So...
I really like him. I've met William.
His brother, the future King.
Yeah, and I think what he does with... with...
I met him through some charity stuff with mental health
and I think that what he does with mental health is brilliant.
So, again, not something he has to do so I really like him.
I think he's good, yeah.
AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS
And I've met his wife, Kate.
Yeah. - AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I like her... - AUDIENCE LAUGHS LOUDER
Yeah, I really like her...
But it's just, it's not an odd "like", it's a real like.
It's a genuine like, it's uh... - AUDIENCE LAUGHS
It's a two-way "like", it's a mutual "like".
It's that kind of "like" you sometimes have in your life when you walk into a room
and you look in someone's eyes
and they look back in your eyes
and you know
in another life it could have been different. - AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I know it, she knows it.
He probably knows it, to be fair.
And I'm not complaining about the choices I've made
she's just gotta get on with it. It's just the way it is, but...
but I do, I like her.
And I've also... I've met the nan
which is bonkers.
Like, I've met their nana
and that's an odd thing to do when their nana is like, the Queen.
And that was...
ridiculous. I met the Queen.
Never ever intended to meet the Queen in my life.
As I said, from a big trade union... sort of family
and my dad always said "Oh, the monarchy they're...
they're just taking from us" and all that, and then all of a sudden I got invited
to this reception at Buckingham Palace.
So, I never had an aspiration ever to go there
got invited to this reception
and 25 of us got pulled out
and got told we were gonna meet the Queen.
Now, first of all, I know on one level that kills the story
cos when I said I'd met the Queen
if you're in someone's house
there's a chance you're gonna meet them.
You know I said I was in Buckingham Pal...
If I'd have said, "I met the Queen, I was in Asda"
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
"Frozen food section, there she was."
Much better story, but that's not the way it happened. I was at this...
at this reception and uh...
they pulled 25 of us aside and said
"Listen, you've been selected to meet Her Majesty."
And she's probably one of the few people in the world.. In fact the whole royal family
are the few people in the world that you get told what to do
before you meet them.
So, they pulled us aside and they got the 25 of us in a corridor
like that, in a big long line, right.
She's not at the end, cos that would be odd.
You just go up at her then some...
What they did, they had us in a big long line and put her behind a door.
So... not like...
"Hey it's me, the Queen." It's not like that.
She's right in a doorway, so you're just all lined up
and it was literally, it was like a parachute jump.
You know, where people take a step?
Get to the door, gone. Never saw them again.
So you're all waiting for your go
and as we're waiting for our go, we're all lining up like that
taking a step forward
that's when they come along and tell you the rules.
This fella comes along and goes, uh
"Uh, right, Mr Bishop, you're gonna meet Her Majesty."
SHOUTING: "You do not proffer your hand to her Majesty.
You take one step forward, you pause
Her Majesty will proffer her hand to you.
Then you take her hand, you're supposed to bow.
You call her "Ma'am"...
8.3 ' In "ham"
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I said, "Oh, like spam."
He said, "What's that?", I said
"Never came down here, you don't need to know."
So, I'm just waiting, like that
and as I'm in the corridor, I thought, I've got to phone my dad.
I phoned my dad and said, "Dad, Dad...
you're not gonna believe this
I'm in Buckingham Palace and I've been told I'm gonna meet the Queen."
He said, "You what?"
I said, "I'm in Buckingham Palace, I'm gonna meet the Queen.
He said, "Are you there now?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Nick something."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I said, "What do you mean?". He said, "You're not really nicking it
we paid for it, you're just taking it back."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
He said, "And remember..." and I love my dad for this line...
He said, "And remember, the Queen has been a good servant
for this country, you look her in the eyes, you show her due respect.
But my son doesn't have to bow, to anyone."
HE LAUGHS - AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I'd hope my dad's been watching Game of Thrones again, I love it!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
So, I'm there and I've go that in my head
and as we're going along the line, like that
and then I get to my bit and the fella goes before me
and then I get to the doorway
and I look, oh!
Anyone in here
who's ever met the Queen, and let's be honest, we are at the Palladium
you've probably all met her.
No anyone... - HE STUTTERS
It's the same, I'm sure everyone has the same thing. I stopped, looked...
It's like meeting Yoda.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Cos she looks at me, she's got these eyes, cos she's met everybody.
So, she's got this power
when she looks at you, she gets the cut of your jib straight away.
She's looking at me, I can see her going
"You're from a council estate, aren't you?"
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
"Bet you've just phoned your dad up, haven't you? Eh?"
"Bet he said, 'Don't bow' hasn't he? OK."
"That a teaspoon I can see in your pocket? Alright."
"Let's see what you've got, big dog." So you've gotta stand there like that
and there's a fella called an equerry
who stands behind her with a clipboard and tells...
tells her who everyone is, cos obviously she's not gonna know, so he's like that.
He just sees me and goes
"Ah, a-vwa-va...
a va-va-v a-vaaa.
A-ha-ha a-va-va."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Cos that's what they're like, you know, when they're so posh
they don't need vowels anymore.
So, that's my cue to go so I turn
HE LAUGHS - I turn...
and I face her, and she's all like, there and I'm... It was like a gun fight.
So, I'm looking at her and I went "OK".
So, I took my step like that
and she just carried on looking at me.
She didn't move a muscle.
So, I'm looking at her, she's looking at me, and I went...
So, I took another step. - AUDIENCE LAUGHS
And she just carried on looking at me, she didn't flinch, I thought, "Fuckin' hell."
I thought, "What am I going to do?"
If I take another step I'm gonna knock the Queen over.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
She's literally looking at my eyes, like, and with a little smile on her face
she just went like that with her hand
and put her hand there like that, so I had no choice.
I had to reach, and then once you've gone...
you've gone then, haven't you?
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
So... so to come and do this gig here
as I say, I've only ever associated it with doing that
and it's a beautiful, beautiful theatre, but thanks for coming cos this
this whole...
little run of dates wasn't meant to happen. My tour was meant to finish at Christmas
and we've added these on cos I was enjoying it, but also because
it's three years since I last toured
and when you have that break
everyone thinks, as a comedian, you spend all your time walking around
looking for funny stuff to happen
and have a pad in your pocket going "Hey, hey!"
"I'll have that, that's in."
"Oh, good, good, go on, I'll have that." That doesn't happen.
I don't write any of this down and um...
Cos I can't... just...
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
AUDIENCE LAUGH LOUDER
That's a bit harsh isn't it?
No, I can. I can. - HE LAUGHS
Oh, in fact, I'll clarify: I can!
I did an interview. I don't know whether this might be...
that might have been part of the reaction. I did an interview about eight years ago
in one of the Sunday magazines where they got various people
and said, "Tell us about your school days."
And I said, "Well, my school days were a little bit hard, to be honest
cos I was dyslexic at school."
Not just at school, I was dyslexic at home as well!
I didn't just go to school
and go "I can't be arsed, I'll be dyslexic."
And I mentioned it during the interview
and it wasn't severe dyslexia, it was just a mild thing
but they made a big deal of it in the interview
and said I really struggled through school.
And it wasn't like that, it was just the time that I went to school.
Cos I went to school in the 70s and 80s, like.
If you're dyslexic now
they phone home and say "Listen, we think your John's dyslexic
but don't worry about it.
We've got a special teacher to work with the dyslexic children.
It doesn't mean he lacks intelligence.
In fact, it probably illustrates that he's highly intelligent.
All we need to do is make sure that this doesn't affect his self-esteem.
We want him to achieve his full potential
so we've got someone to work with him in that special group
to make sure that he can achieve everything that he needs to achieve academically
in order to fulfil what he's got as and individual as a person
and a full member of society."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS
That's what would happen now.
I went to school in the 70s and 80s when they phoned home and said, "Listen."
"We think your John's dyslexic
so can you do us a favour? Can you make sure he can carry heavy stuff?"
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
And that's when my dad wouldn't settle for that.
He had higher aspirations. My dad took me in the car.
It was great living where we lived, we were only an hour from Wales.
He took me in the car, we drove to Wales.
He got out at the Welsh border
pointed at the first road sign and said
"There you go son, you're not the only one."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
JOHN CHUCKLES
So, I genuinely, I got written to.
When they put it in this article it got built up into this...
There are some people who think I struggle with reading and writing, in fact.
I got contacted to be a spokesperson for dyslexic people.
I was contacted by the WRTF
which is the British Dyslexic Society
and uh... eh? - AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Hey, it's a gag!
It's an old gag. You can have that. That's funny to everyone who's not dyslexic.
So, anyway...
HE LAUGHS - What happens, is I don't write it down.
I just end up doing loads and loads of warm-up gigs, like loads.
Like a hundred odd and it all starts in little pubs and it builds up
and it's a little bit like therapy
because I start trying to piece together all the things
that come to mind when I'm on stage
and it's like finding out what's happened to me...
since I last toured.
That's what happens, it reveals the biggest things that have happened to me.
And since I last toured
two big things have happened to me.
Two massive things
The first one, is I got old.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Like, officially old.
I turned 50.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER
And that's what happens, you start... I'm at that age where you get patronised.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Cos it is. That's what happens, it is.
You know what it's like? It's like being four.
Cos everything's good for your age.
You know like, if you see a four-year-old reading a book
people go, "lsn't that good for his age? He's only four."
Yeah, well you see a 50-year-old carrying a bag upstairs
people go, "Look at him, he's 50!"
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
"Carrying a bag, 50!"
"Up stairs!"
Cos it's just... It is the official "old age", in fact.
Give me a cheer in here if you're 5O or over.
AUDIENCE CHEERS - OK.
Give me... Give me a cheer if you're not.
AUDIENCE CHEER LOUDLY
There you go. - AUDIENCE LAUGHS
There was just more hope, joy and enthusiasm in that second group wasn't there?
Like, this isn't their only night out this weekend.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
That first group was already wondering when the interval is so they can have a wee.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Because all of a sudden...
every other age you've had, that's supposed to be a big age
like 18, 21, 30, 40. All of those ages
it doesn't matter what the number is
it's all about how you feel.
Fifty is it.
You're old!
And I'll tell you why. Because I'm touring round a lot, I have to go to hotels and...
go into the hotel gym
and I'm now, when you have to fill a form in to go to the new gym
I'm the last box on the form.
When it says, "How old are you? 15 to 20?
20 to 25, 25 to 30
30 to 35, 35 to 40
40 to 45, 45 to 50
5O to dead.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
And also...
there's that thing, as well, when you're over 50.
If you've ever had to put your date of birth in
on your phone
and you've got to put your year in.
How disappointing is that when you go...
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Fucking hell!
It's heart-breaking. There's also... There's adverts on the television
you've never seen until you're 50.
Cos they're not for you.
If you're 49 today
you won't even know these are on the tele, cos they're not speaking to you.
And they're always the same type of advert. They've always got like...
a nice friendly, older-looking lady
wearing a cardie
carrying a tray with a teapot on
and some muffins she's just baked
walking into a conservatory like that
just as her husband's walking out in his golfing jumper shouting
"I'll see you, Morag."
She goes...
"Hey, what's he like, him eh?" - IMITATES LAUGHTER
"Love's his golf, that one."
HE CHUCKLES
IN A SERIOUS VOICE: Are you 50 or over?
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
And have you thought about how your children are gonna pay for your funeral expenses?
Fuckin'...
Well, who talks like that?
You think, "You miserable bitch."
"He's not playing golf, he's shagging your mate!"
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Cos it is. Cos all of a sudden
you get old, and everyone's telling you you're old
and everything about... So every time your knee goes
you're "Oh my knees, that's it, my knee's gone, my knee's gone"
and your body starts breaking down on paper... Here's a thing!
That I think only happens to men, and you can try this tonight
if you're over 50.
Weigh yourself before you get in bed
and then weigh yourself after.
I get fat when I'm in bed.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I wake up weighing more than when I went to sleep.
I've counted the pillows, I'm not eating anything!
It's impossible, but that's what happens, your body starts breaking down, I mean.
At least now, when I do wake up
my whole body wakes up at the same time.
That didn't use to happen, there used to be parts of my body
ready and awake
just in case he was required, like down in the morning.
IN A STRAINED VOICE: I'm here, I'm here if you want me, I'm here.
That doesn't happen now, he's just shrivelled up
like that, going...
What are you flicking me for, dickhead?
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
And also, as well, you end up doing that nightly walk of sadness.
That nightly walk for a wee
which is awful.
Cos it starts off, you think it's just an infrequent thing
and then you know it's become a frequent thing
when before you go to bed
your wife does talk to you like a four-year-old, when she goes
ALMOST WHISPERING: "Do you think you should have a wee?"
"Save you getting up in the night.
Do you think you should have a wee before you go to bed?"
And it doesn't matter if you do, cos there's still that thing, that moment
it's like God's way of telling you that you're old.
You walking to the dresser
walking to the bathroom, like that sad walk.
That long walk to the bathroom, like that.
At three o'clock in the morning, the same time that you used to come in.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
In a tee-shirt you wore on holiday two years ago, going...
I'm only doing this cos I'm old.
I only need a wee cos I'm old.
And the secret isn't that we have to wee
the secret is that fact that when we get there we go
"Well, no one knows I'm here so I may as well treat myself, make it a little sit-down one."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
And that's us!
That's us, by the way, Jesus!
What goes on with you girls is unbelievable!
Unbelievable, I swear!
Sisters, I'm with you.
What goes on is incredible and we know nothing about it.
Honest to God, the young fellas in here.
The young lads in their 20s and 30s who have come in here tonight
with a female partner, you have no idea what's ahead of you.
If you've walked in with a male partner, not an issue.
Your biggest problem is who's gonna get to the bog first
at three o'clock in the morning
because the young fellas
who've got the female partners, I'm telling you, you don't know.
And if you stay with them long enough what's gonna happen
you're gonna find out because you're gonna be lying in bed one night
and you're gonna wake up and you're gonna think the house is on fire.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS - And you're suddenly gonna go "pffff"
and turn, and she's gonna be lying there like that
glowing like she's in the Heady Brek advert.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
With this heat, emanating from her body
like you've never seen.
It's like being in bed with an AGA.
There's no control, it's just immense this heat coming...
I swear to God.
You've never seen anything like it, the young lads in here
who've walked in tonight
with their young girlfriends in the short skirts and the big boots
who think you've come in here with a woman who's got a "hot body".
You have no fucking idea what a hot body is.
And it's amazing that you can take it.
Cos I'm telling you now, sisters, there's no shadow of a doubt
if men got the menopause we'd have a cure.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Cos we're not strong enough.
We couldn't take this thing that comes at any point in the day
There's no predicting it, it can come whenever it wants
as many times as it wants in a day.
We could not take that, cos we're not strong enough, but also
society would not tolerate fat, bald, middle-aged men
three times a day taking all their clothes off going
"I'm too fucking hot, I'm too hot."
Cos it's immense, and it's not just that.
It's just, it's...
It's everything else, as well.
It's everything else and we don't get taught about it.
We don't get educated about it.
It's like a hidden secret and it needs to be part of the dialogue.
We need to know what we're signing up to.
It needs to be part of the marriage ceremony, you know, like...
"Do you take this woman
to be your lawful wedded wife?
For better, for worse.
For richer, for poorer
in sickness and in health
and for that period in their late 40s when they might go a bit fucking bonkers."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Cos that happens, as well.
There's some days I walk in and Melanie just looks at me and goes "No".
I go "No" what? "No, no, the answers no. Before you ask
the answer is no."
"No, I don't know where your keys are
because today I don't even know where the fucking front door is.
Cos my head's not working today."
Cos that genuinely happens and this is a very intelligent woman
that some days just looks at me and goes, "Don't ask me anything".
"Don't ask me anything." And I'll give you an example.
I'll give you an example, we were...
This happened just before I, uh...
I went on tour. We were in the kitchen, right?
And Melanie's making an omelette
and we've got one of those kitchens where
the bin is in a draw.
Cos you know...
I've clone alright, you know what I mean?
You know, I mean...
I don't want to show off, but you know...
I never thought that one day the bin would be in a draw, but...
It fucking is, and that's what dreams are made of, anyway so...
So the bin's in a draw. She pulls the bin out, right?
This genuinely happened while she was talking to me
she pulls the bin out, she's making this omelette.
She cracked the egg.
She poured the egg into the bin
and then put the shell in the pan.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
And then just stood there like that for five minutes
looking like someone else had clone it, going...
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
And she just looked at me and I went
"Sorry."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Cos I know that that's the answer.
I know, when you don't know what else to say, you say "Sorry".
That's the best thing to do.
That is the best thing to do.
Because sometimes when you've been married or you're in a relationship
sometimes when you're in a relationship and you're living with someone
you end up in arguments via osmosis.
Cos you just happen to be there.
And you know.
There's times I've walked in and gone "Right."
"I clearly have no idea what this argument's about
but it's obvious you want and argument so I'll just chip in."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
"I'll do my best."
"I'll ad lib and then in five minutes I'll say sorry for whatever it was
and we can get on with the day."
We've just, literally, just as I've come on stage there
I was just talking to my stage manager and he was saying "How is your day going?"
I said, "lt's alright but I think Melanie's annoyed with me."
He said, "How can you? Have you had and argument? Have you spoke to her?"
I said, "No, it's just a text".
Have you done that? Where you've got a text and gone
"You're pissed off" cos you feel the pressure and you...
But the last time, the last time I ignored my own advice
and didn't say sorry.
I was in lnverness
doing these warm-up gigs and I had the clay off
and Melanie came to see me on the day off.
Which she's never done before on any tour ever
but she can now because the other thing-- I'll tell you about, about the kids later.
So, we're in lnverness. I don't know if you've been, it's lovely.
There's a river.
Got this mountain water coming down off the Scottish mountains
that feeds Loch Ness.
A fast flowing river, freezing cold.
And we were walking along, and admittedly
I was slightly distracted because there was fellas in the rivers doing that.
Wearing waders, doing that, fishing.
And I'd read in one of the papers that the top ten things that married men do
to get out of the house, apparently, number one, they said was fishing.
Which I just couldn't believe
cos I'm walking along and I'm looking at these fellas and I'm thinking
"Christ that looks boring."
So if you're married to somebody
who'd rather put a pair of wellies on
and stand in freezing cold water for hours on end
instead of sitting on a couch watching a box set with you.
Take a look at yourself cos something's wrong at home, I tell you.
That can't be right.
Who would rather do that?
And just as I'm thinking this
Melanie was four steps ahead of me and I thought, "Oh, she's..."
"Melanie looks like she's having an argument."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I thought, "I don't know who she's having and argument with
cos I'm the only one here
and I haven't done anything wrong, I know I haven't done anything wrong
but I don't want to ask her what's upset her
cos it'll show that I've not been listening.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
At which point she read my mind, she just turned round and went
"You're not listening to me are you?"
I went, "Well, I've been... I've heard some of it... b-bits...
Seen them fellas fishing? Doesn't that look..." She said, "No."
"You're not listening to me, I've come all the way to lnverness
to see you on your day off and you're not even listening to me!"
"I might as well go home, mightn't I?"
Now...
To some people in the room that sounded like it was a question didn't it?
And because she stopped speaking you might think it's your turn to speak.
It's not your turn to speak.
Unless you say sorry, you're better off saying nothing.
Particularly, not saying what I said
cos I was so convinced that I'd done nothing wrong
I just went, "Oh, please your bleedin' self then!"
Cos you know what I thought?
I thought I was doing that thing that you do with the kids
when they have a little tantrum.
You go, "Right, I'm gonna do the five steps and walk away
and then look back and you'll come to me."
So I did the five steps
and then I looked back
and she didn't come.
And then that's a long way back innit?
She just looked more angry and I thought, "For fuck's sake".
So I thought, "I'll gamble, I'll do another five."
So I took another five. - AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I looked back, at which point
she turned around and was storming off in the other direction.
And I thought "Jesus."
"There's a chance I've done something wrong here."
And if you know lnverness
you'll know what it is. The river's got these little islands on
and I looked and there was a little bridge over to one of the islands
and on the island there was a kiosk selling ice-cream.
And I had what I thought was a brilliant brainwave. I thought, "I know."
"She likes ice-cream, and I like ice-cream."
"I know what to do." So I went and bought an ice-cream
and I took a photograph of my hand holding the ice-cream.
Cos I thought, "That says it all, doesn't it?"
You know, she'll see that photograph.
We've been together long enough to know that picture says it all, that picture says
"Come on babe.
Let's not argue.
Let's have an ice-cream."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
It's obvious innit? So I thought, "I don't need to send any text."
I'll just send the picture.
And I sent that picture, and when that picture left my phone
it definitely said
"Come on babe.
Let's not argue, let's have an ice-cream"
And then it went up and it hit a satellite and it bounced off and somehow
on the way down to earth that picture got turned into
"Well, you can fuck off, I'm having an ice-cream."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
There's nowhere to go after that.
She's going... HE MAKES ANGRY NOISES
And you know the problem with that is?
That's because I assume I know what she thinks
and that's the problem when you've been with someone for so long
and that's what I would say to everybody
who's coming up to 50.
Have a look at the people around you, particularly your mates
and have a clear out.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I tell you the problem that I've got.
I'm still hanging around with the same lads
I've been hanging around with for over 30 odd years.
My mates don't get how things have changed.
Like, I've known them for a lot longer than I've done this.
I've done this professionally for about ten years.
I've known them for over 30.
So they don't get this. I mean, I'll go out with my mates and they go, "What?"
"You're not even the funniest sat around this table."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
So anyway, I've never...
This life... I've never been able to impress my mates with it.
And then I had an opportunity about 18 months ago to try and impress them
because I was at this, um...
I was at this charity auction.
Which was good. I was asked to do something
to like, do five minutes at the beginning
which can sometimes be brilliant.
Sometimes it's a disaster
cos people at charity auctions aren't always ready
for a giggle. I was uh...
I did one down here in London
to a room of bankers. There was 8O of them.
It was a lunch time thing and my mate said
"Would you come and just introduce this charity?"
It's his charity. He's got a charity to try and stop child trafficking.
So I said, "Yeah, of course."
He said, "Just do five minutes, then we show a video."
"Just to break the ice." I said, "OK." So I walked in. This room of bankers
who look like what you think a room of bankers look like.
There's about 80, 85 of them all men, all sat there like that...
You know when they're too rich to be happy, ever again?
Too rich to have a dream anymore. They're just sat there.
I'm looking at them and I walked in and I just went
"Gentlemen, look I've been asked to introduce the charity for today.
I know you do this on a regular basis.
And it's really great that you do, because there's a lot of
personal wealth in here
and a lot of corporate wealth. For a small portion of that
could make a huge difference
to this charity, and this is a charity to try and stop child trafficking.
And it's important and I know from personal experience
cos I've been stuck in traffic with children and uh..."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
"I can't tell you, it's a nightmare."
"Well, they start moaning. You can't hit them cos they're behind
Yeah, if only there'd been a charity I could've phoned."
Not a titter!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Literally, not a titter. Eighty bankers going
HE MAKES A GRUMBLING NOISE
But this other one was fine, this one was up in Liverpool, and the...
the big prize
that you could bid for was a VIP package
to go and watch Liverpool play.
Or...
you could swap it for a VIP package
to go and watch the Boston Red Socks play baseball.
Because you may not know this, if you're not interested in football
but the people who own Liverpool football club
also own Boston Red Socks baseball team.
You don't have to know a lot about football to know that
you just have to watch the way we defend
cos I think we're swapping players at times.
Yeah, ridiculous!
Anyway...
We're there. I bid for it and I got it
and I said to my mates, "Look lads, look we...
We don't have to go and watch Liverpool play we can do that any time.
Let's have a lads weekend
go to Boston and watch the baseball.
Obviously, none of us are interested in baseball -
it's just rounders that's got carried away with itself.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
But you know, it might surprise a lot of ladies in here.
Men do travel for reasons that aren't obvious, I mean...
not many men that I know, like canals
but we still go to Amsterdam.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
So we're there and we decide to go to Boston for a lads weekend
and what happens with baseball
they'll often play the same team over three clays.
So we picked the weekend they were playing the New York Yankees
Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
Flew out on the Friday.
Land early afternoon, early evening Friday.
Go for a few drinks, went and watched the rounders
which was fine, it was what it was.
Decided to have the Saturday off
and then go back on the Sunday.
So we were looking for something to do on a Saturday.
So, we're having a pub lunch and we're all sat there reading papers
trying to google stuff, looking for something to do.
And that's what's different, as well.
Like, I used to go out for a pub lunch with my mates
and if one of the lads got a plate of chips
we've all got chips.
Chips are a communal thing.
Oh, got a chip? Give us a chip.
Chips was something that everyone shared.
It's not chips anymore, it's glasses.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
If one of the lads has got a pair of glasses
we've all got a pair...
I can't read fuck all, give me them.
Like, you wouldn't do that with any other affliction would you?
You wouldn't say, "Oh, lend us your teeth.
I can't chew on this, I'm struggling."
So we're there, we're all looking for things then one of my mates sees this story
in one of the Boston papers, and said, "Look at that."
There's a story about the band U2
saying that U2 were playing that night
in Boston, doing a gig
that had gone on sale a year before and had sold out in 45 seconds.
And my mate says, "That's what we'll do!"
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I said, "What do you mean?", he said
"Well, that's what we'll do, we'll go watch U2."
I said, "D'you not read the rest of it, 'sold out in 45 seconds a year ago"'
and he went, "Yeah".
"But you can get us in."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I said, "How can I get us in?" and they said, "Cos you're in show business."
I mean, shit, sorry lads I forgot, hang on.
Let me just phone up the hotline, the show business hotline.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS - Hello?
Yeah, it's Johnny "showbiz" Bishop.
Yeah, I'm just phoning to see if you've kept back those five tickets
that you keep for me for every gig in the world
just in case I'm passing with my four dickhead mates.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
And when I said it
I saw genuine disappointment in their eyes. I thought...
"Oh, my God, you actually think I can do this."
I thought, "This is my opportunity to impress them, so I'm gonna try."
So I started making phone calls, trying to make connections.
Unbelievably, I found there was a lad called Alex
who'd been on tour with me the year before for four months doing my lights.
He does the lights for U2.
Right, give me a cheer if you've ever seen U2.
AUDIENCE CHEERS - Oh, brilliant, loved them.
If you haven't seen 'em. If you get a chance, go and see them.
Best band in the world. I've seen them more than I've seen any other band.
I've seen them in four different countries.
I'm a proper fan, but their lights are amazing.
They have like, 70 trucks on the road. Every song, the light are doing all this.
Do-do-do“. He does them lights!
He spent four months on the road with me.
He must have been bored off his tits.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
For four months all he did was go...
"He's on."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
"He's off." That's all he did.
I got hold of him, I said, "Alex look, I know it's long shot
but there's me and four of my mates...
There's five of us, is there any chance we can swindle some tickets?
He said, "Give me and hour."
Phoned me back an hour later.
He said, "I've managed to get you five
VIP friends and family passes."
I said, "Hang on. Lads!"
"Johnny Showbiz...
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
...has got five VIP friends and family passes."
And for the first time in the 10 years
I've been doing this job, my mates all looked at me and went...
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
"That's good, that is, that's good that."
We turn up at this gig, oh!
Unbelievable! We didn't even go through the main entrance.
We went through the special VIP entrance
ended up back stage in a bar where Alex comes up to us
with lanyards, puts them round our necks.
Says, "Lads come with me."
"You can come and stand on the stage before we open the auditorium."
On U2's stage! I mean if you're a fan that's amazing.
I was gone, I was stroking the drum.
I'm licking the guitar, I'm loving it.
When all of a sudden my mates just stopped
and turned to me and went, "God, look at this Bish."
They said, "Do you know what?"
"There's no way we would be in Boston tonight if it wasn't for you, Bish.
There's no way we'd get tickets for a sold-out gig
if it wasn't for you. And there's no way
that we would be stood on U2's stage
if it wasn't for you and what you do.
And you've kept the lads with you all the way on the journey."
I said, "Boys, don't mention it."
I said, "Cos I wouldn't want to be here with anyone else."
I said, "We've been on a journey that none of us could have imagined.
We've spent over three decades building a bond
and that bond isn't something you can sell, trade or give away to anyone else
because it's built on memories.
It's built on experience. It's built on love.
It's built on passion. It's built on things
we didn't know was gonna happen when we were teenage boys
but we've been with each other all the way through it
VOICE GETS HIGHER: and I would not want to be stood
on this stage with anyone else
because you are my brothers from another mother."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS - HE IMITATES EMOTIONAL SNIFFING
We walked into the bar to wipe away a tear and have a beer.
Where a girl, called Jennifer who works for U2 comes up to me and goes
"John, can I have a word?". I said, "Yeah."
She said, "The lads would like to say hello."
I said, "What lads?"
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
She said, "The band, the band, U2, the band would like to say hello"
she said, "But look it's really awkward.
I can't bring a crowd in.
It would just be you and not your mates."
I went, "What mates, fuck them!"
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
If I'm gonna hang out with U2 I've moved on from these losers!
Eh? Kick 'em out.
I went over, told my mates.
My mates went, "Oh go in, you've gotta go in."
Cos I was the big fan, two of my mates had never even seen U2 live before.
They said, "You've gotta go in." I walked into this room.
And like I was saying before, I mean, I've met the Queen.
I've met various people.
I've never been as nervous in my life.
I'm stood in this room. There are five people in the room
who I later found out was: the promoter, his son
a fella from the record label, the mayor of Boston
the assistant mayor of Boston and me.
And I'm just stood in this room going...
HE EXHALES LOUDLY - "Just don't be a dickhead."
When they come in, just don't be a dickhead.
Don't... just don't act like a big fan.
Just be dead cool.
They're not really gonna know who you are.
They're not gonna know anything about you. So just go "Hiya."
"I'm John, the comedian. Alex, who did your lights
yeah, did my lights, must have been bored off his tits."
Just say that. That'll be all you've got to say.
The door opens, Larry Mullen comes in, the drummer.
Not drumming, by the way.
He doesn't practise. He's very, very good, he doesn't need to.
But, because not everybody knows the members of the band
and I've said this story, I've got into that habit of saying
"Larry Mullen, the drummer."
And I almost kind of do it now
and I've tried to put my hands in my pockets to stop doing it.
Doesn't help, doesn't really. - AUDIENCE LAUGHS
So, I just give up, I just do it now.
So, Larry Mullen, the drummer comes in
speaks to the promoter and son, speaks to the fella from the record label
talks to the mayor of Boston and I'm stood here going
WHISPERING TO HIMSELF: "Hiya Larry, I'm John, the comedian"
And he turns to me and goes, "John!"
"I heard you might come in, lovely to see you."
I went... HE MAKES A HIGH PITCHED LAUGH
EMBARRASSED GASPING
I've just been stroking your drum. - HE LAUGHS INANELY
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
But he was lovely.
We just got talking, we were chatting for ages, he was lovely.
Dead friendly. He walks out the door...
Adam Clayton comes in, the bass player.
Speaks to the promoter and the son
speaks with the fella from the record label
steps past the mayor of Boston to come up to me and goes
"John, lovely to see you, I'm glad you've made the gig."
IN A HIGH VOICE: "Uh, hiya!"
"There's a bit of spit on your guitar, I couldn't help it."
He walks out, I'm like literally that would have done me.
I'm stood there quivering thinking, "I have just met
fifty percent of U2!"
When the door opened
and The Edge stepped in
like that.
With his little woollen hat on.
His little goatee beard.
The only rock star in the world who looks like he drove a van to the gig
and did some plastering on the way.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
He just looked around the room like that in everyone's eyes.
And then he went, "Uh, shu..." and walked out.
And even the mayor of Boston went, "Fucking hell, that was cool wasn't it?"
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
And then it happened.
The door opened
and the little fella came in.
Bono came in with his big glasses, his little leather jacket on
speaks to the promoter and his son
spoke to the fella from the record label
then he was stood there!
There with his back to me
speaking to the mayor of Boston and I'm going, "Oh, my God!"
"Oh, my God, that's Bono!
That's definitely Bono, you are definitely, definitely stood next to Bono.
So just don't be a dickhead, that's Bono.
Don't touch him, don't touch him.
Just be cool, cos it's Bono.
I mean, Bono's mates with everybody.
He's probably just had a cup of coffee with Barack Obama.
He's probably just been texting the Dalai Lama.
It's Bono!
Bono knows everybody, so just don't be a dickhead
when he turns around just go 'hiya, Alex, lights'
Just do that cos he's not gonna know cos he's Bono.
Just be calm, just don't be a..."
As I'm there, it's obvious that I'm nervous
so Jennifer comes up to me and goes, "John...
have you ever met Bono before?" and I went...
"No, no, I haven't no." - HE GIGGLES LIKE A CHILD
She said, "Well, look
he's gotta be on stage in ten minutes so I'll make sure he says hello."
She physically interrupted him while he was speaking to the mayor of Boston
and went, "Excuse me Bono."
"I'm sorry to interrupt
but can I just introduce you to..." and as she turns him round he went
"You don't have to introduce me to this fella. I love this fella!"
SHOUTING MANICALLY: And I went "I love you!"
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
But that wasn't the worst bit. The worst bit was I went to pick him up!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I've never done that in my life!
Like, "Oh there's a little Bono", I don't know what I was doing.
I sort of like to a step forward to him like that
and as I took a step he obviously took a step back like that
and he put his arm up over his elbow.
And if you're a fan, you'll know what happened
I was... I said, "Bono, Bono" I said, "I'm sorry
I just got carried away." - HE BABBLES
"I wasn't gonna touch your arm, Bono.
I wasn't gonna touch your arm cos I know, Bono, I know what happened.
I know what happened, you fell off your bicycle in New York
Bono, you shattered your elbow and some bones in your face.
You had some surgery, Bono
and the surgery hasn't completely worked so you've had some corrective surgery
and I know all about it, Bono.
Because I know the hospital you were in and I know the doctor that you saw.
But it's not that I'm a stalker!
I'm just a fan.
But I took a particular interest, Bono, I took this particular interest
because I read about your crash when I was getting on a plane
flying to Africa.
And I read that you'd crashed your bike and you were lying in hospital in New York
and I read about it and the whole world knew that you were in New York
and then I spent two weeks in Africa, Bono
while you were in hospital in New York and I've gotta tell you, mate.
Not one single African asked about you."
I said, "All the work you do for them, mate is one way with that lot."
And he laughed!
I made Bono laugh
and when he walks out I'm like that.
I walked back to my mates. My mates were going "What happened?"
I said, "Lads, you won't believe it, I've just made Bono laugh."
And my mates all went...
This'll be a good day.
We go into the gig. We're there.
Two of my mates couldn't understand why I was more in awe of Bono
than anyone else in the band.
I said, "You'll never know, you'll never understand the aura of Bono
until you've seen U2 live."
And, honestly I urge anyone to see him cos there's a point in the gig
where it transcends any other band.
Cos there's a point where the band carry on playing
and Bono stops singing, starts talking to you.
It stops being a gig and becomes a self-improvement class.
Cos you stand there and you go, "You're absolutely right, Bono.
I do think there's too much poverty in the world
and we need to sort it. Thank you Bono.
Yeah, and there's a lot of nuclear weapons.
I think we need to get rid of them, as well. You're right on that, Bono.
Yeah, and I'm gonna take up yoga tomorrow.
Thank you Bono." Then he carries on singing.
Honest to God, it stops being a gig and becomes mass.
It's unbelievable, so...
So I'm there, and that happened
and I said to my mates, "Watch and that will happen.
That will happen in the gig, then you will understand it."
About an hour and forty minutes into it
the band carry on playing, Bono stops singing.
He turns to the crowd, he goes
"Boston."
"U2 loves Boston.
Boston loves U2.
Cos we're family.
We've been coming here for years and we are family"
and the crowds going, "Yeah!"
He said, "this is a city built with the blood of the Irish
and tonight
everyone in here has got an Irish heart
beating in their chest.
And the crowd went, "Yeah!"
Even the Mexicans were going, "Si, si, si."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
"Grazie Bono, si, si, arriba, arriba."
I actually don't know if that's racist, that might have to come out.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
JOHN LAUGHS
GRUNTING LAUGHTER
And he said, "And we love you."
"And before I came on stage tonight
I met some people
I met the mayor of Boston
and he told me we got community leaders in here tonight.
We got the people that make Boston what it is.
We got community leaders, there's leaders.
We've got the chief of police, we've got the head of the fire service."
"Yeah. So please put your hands together for those people that make Boston great."
"Because also
I met someone else tonight
from another city
built on the blood of the Irish
a sister city to Boston.
I met someone from Liverpool."
And all of my mates went...
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
And I went...
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
And he said, "I love this guy, so please
please put your hands together for the people that make Boston what it is
the mayor of Boston, the community leaders, the chief of police
the head of the fire service -
put your hands together for them
but also for Stevie Bishop.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Oh, piss off Bono! My mates were on the floor.
Never heard anything funnier in their lives.
They all got up and started singing, "There's only one Stevie Bishop."
"One Stevie Bishop."
But when they were singing it, they were hitting me on the head like that
which made all the Americans around us think that that was an English thing
so they joined in. I was fucking hit by everybody.
My one chance of greatness was gone cos it carried on all night.
It's like, "Alright, Stevie, shall we get a taxi?"
"Alright, Stevie, do you want a pint?"
We end up, we're in the hotel, it's one o'clock in the morning
they're still doing it, "There's only one Stevie Bishop..."
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Then I remembered Jennifer had given me her number
so I picked up my phone and sent her a text
I said, "Dear Jennifer."
"Thank you for tonight.
It's a night none of us will ever forget.
Stevie was overwhelmed by his mention.
Please thank Bono and the lads, lots of love, John.
HE MAKES A POP AND FLYING SOUND
Sent the text off.
Then it happened, ten minutes later.
The thing that impressed my mates.
My phone bleeped.
I picked it up, it was Jennifer's number.
It just said, "Dear Stevie".
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
"Thank you for coming to the gig tonight
we could feel your passion carrying us through.
So glad you were there and not that dickhead, John"
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
"Lots of love" and it just had a capital "B" with a kiss.
And I went, "a 'B' with a kiss?"
"No it can't be, surely."
And straight away my phone bleeped again.
It was Jennifer's number again.
It just said, "John, this is Jennifer."
"Bono just used my phone."
"'B' with a kiss equals Bono."
I went, "Lads".
Passed it round. They shared the glasses so they could all read it.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
Now, I'll be honest, I thought that was it.
I thought my U2 journey was there
and then what happened when we started the tour. We were in Ireland...
WOMAN WHOOPS - And then... yep and, uh...
Nice to see you but I'm still not paying maintenance.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS - Uh...
I actually don't know if that came from a woman or a man
which makes it... - AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Which makes the put down even less fucking rational.
No, so we were in Ireland
and we started in Belfast, then we went to Dublin
and when I got to the...
to the arena in Dublin, walked into the dressing room
this parcel was waiting for me.
And I opened it, this box, and inside was this.
Bottle of champagne, six bottles of Guinness
with a card
saying that it had come from U2, to welcome me to their city.
How classy is that?
And telling me how to make a "black velvet" and I thought that was class.
But that wasn't what I sent a picture of to my mates
I sent them a picture of this other card.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Now, I was saying before that there was two big things that had happened to me
since I last toured. The first one was getting old
but the other one...
The other one, I didn't realise how big it was gonna be.
The other one is that my kids left home.
A MAN CHEERS
Yeah, I know, I know, but... but it just...
It just surprised me cos they're only six or seven.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS - Uh...
HE LAUGHS: Uh, no...
No, like... like I've got three lads, right?
All born close together cos I'm a good shot
and so... - AUDIENCE LAUGHS
So they're 23...
Twenty-one, nearly 22, 19 nearly 20.
And... and I...
When they left it really upset me in a way that I wasn't expecting.
Because they're boys, I've been waiting for them to go ever since they arrived.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
That's what happens when you have boys.
It's different like if I had a daughter.
If I had a girl, she wouldn't have left home.
She'd still be at home now
and she'd be at home until she was at least 40.
And she'd be a lesbian and that's just the way it is.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I'd make that decision the first time a boy knocked at the door
I'd go, "No, piss off. She's a lesbian."
"You're a lesbian. You live with your mum and dad."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS - Because...
Because there's a thing that's different with daughters.
Cos you smother daughters, you love daughters.
It's not that you don't love boys
but it's a different way of expressing it, in fact.
You can always tell
when you're on holiday
if there is a father with a boy there or a father with a girl there
because if there is a father with a daughter he's always looking to see she's OK
and he's ready for a towel if she comes out the pool.
But boys are different
because as a father of boys, what you want to do.
You don't want to smother them but you still want to impress them.
You still want your boys to think that you're good
so you'll always know if there's a father of boys
cos he'll be a fat bloke
stood at the top of a diving board
shitting himself
while the boys are saying
"Go on, Dad, do a somersault like the German boy's dad."
I did it on holiday myself this year.
Dived off something, near killed myself to impress the boys.
Cos it's what you do but it's just...
I don't know it's just different.
You just don't love them in the same way, in fact.
In fact one of the saddest... You don't!
Because of the way we were sort of programmed
you do push them away.
You go, "Go on, off you go, go on, off you go", and uh...
In fact, one of the saddest days being a father of boys
is a day you don't even notice.
And it's the last day your son holds your hand.
It doesn't happen with girls, but with boys there's a day where...
they stop holding your hand and he'll never hold your hand ever again.
And it's heart-breaking when you think about it.
I mean, it's gotta happen otherwise it would be odd.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
You know, he'd be walking along, looking at you going...
"Dad, I'm doing A-levels, it looks like you're grooming me, can we stop?"
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
But when they left, I went into this odd depression.
Cos I thought, "That's it now, that's me."
"I'm never ever gonna be a dad again, I had one go at it and that's it."
I'm not a dad any more, I'm just a bloke they know now.
Cos I can't do dad stuff anymore
like all those days I could have took them to the park
and I didn't take them to the park cos I was working
or I was doing something more important.
Something that I can't even remember now.
They're the days I want back and I can't have them back.
I can't take them to the park anymore.
But, not now anyway.
Cos we'd just be four blokes in the park.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
We'd end up on some register.
And I can't be in a park
pushing a fella with a beard on a swing going "Tell me if it's too high."
So when they left, it's just odd.
I went into this depression cos also what happens, as well
you end up with this empty nest syndrome.
In fact, that first night your kids leave home, Jesus, that's odd.
You just sit there not knowing what to say to each other.
You're just looking going...
HE SIGHS
HE SIGHS LOUDER
Well look, shall we just call it quits
cos let's be honest, what we had in common has just walked out carrying a bag.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Because you've got... Nothing feels the same.
The walls of the house don't sound the same
and it is a genuine thing this empty nest syndrome.
Your nest is empty, you don't know what to do, so my wife
decided to fill our nest with animals.
Yeah, but not good ones.
Shite ones no one else wants.
All reject animals.
Like, we've got four horses
from the World Horse Welfare.
Which sounds impressive
when you say, "We've got four horses"
until you find out that all four horses added together
cost a hundred quid.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
When your trainers cost more than your horse, your horse is shit.
We can't ride them.
One of them doesn't even know it's got knees.
It kind of runs like this.
And then cos she's... um...
Cos she's a soft touch, the RSPCA have got Melanie on speed dial
so they just phone her up with anything.
They phoned her up and said, "We've found a Shetland pony
in a car park in Oldham."
I mean, how does that even happen?
So they phoned up and said, "Do you want this Shetland pony?"
So she says "Yeah."
This Shetland pony arrives at the house in a van.
Um... in the back of the van.
If it had been driving I'd have been made up but...
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
It comes in this van.
And I'll tell you what.
I don't know if you've ever met a Shetland pony.
What a frigging narky animal!
It's like meeting an angry little man who's got Beyoncé's arse.
It just comes walking out the back of the van like that, looking at us going
"Who are you looking at, dickhead?"
So we're like... we never thought in our lives we'd have a Shetland pony
so we were both stood there looking at it.
And Melanie's going, "Well, what do you think we should do?"
I'm like, "What do you mean?"
I said, "lt's a horse, innit?"
"We'll just put it in there. They're horses and that's a horse."
So we started walking over to the other horses.
Have you seen horses when they get curious?
Like our horses just eat grass, they don't do anything else.
They just like that and then all of a sudden they just go...
IMITATES A HORSE
And their ears were going and their eyes...
It is the only animal impression that I can do.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
HE IMITATES A HORSE And I like that.
And they're curious. And as we're walking I think
"Oh, they're gonna know what's happening
they're gonna settle down" but they didn't.
They started with one, then two, then three then four.
Even the cloppety one got over. They're all like that.
And they just kept on staring as we're getting closer
they just stared more.
As we're getting there we could see they were going...
"How far away do you think that horse is?"
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Cos even as we were getting close
they kept staring into the distance
until the Shetland pony touched him on the nose
then he went, "Jesus Christ, what are you doing here?"
So we've got that. We've got two now.
We've got two Shetland ponies.
They found another one, phoned us up and said, "Do you want that?"
This other one is so hard-faced
it walks into the kitchen and drinks out the dog's bowl.
And the dogs won't say anything, you just see them looking going
"Just leave it, just say nothing."
Cos the dogs are rescued, as well. We've got two English bull terriers.
You know the ones with the nose?
Well, they've all got noses, but the...
You know the ones with the snout. They're lovely and they're rescue
and we've only ever had rescue dogs.
Like if anyone wants a dog
go and rescue one... - AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER
There's loads of them.
But I have to be honest, the first one that we got was a German Shepherd
and people go, "Oh, I don't know if you can rescue a dog.
How do you know the breed's gonna be good?" You just know.
Like our first one.
We got her even before we had babies
and then when the babies arrived they just used to climb all over her
in the box and roll around. She was brilliant.
She was a German Shepherd.
So that was the first time we went to a dog's home
and that is hard.
Cos when you go to dog's home you have to walk past all the dogs.
And they're all applying for the job.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
So as you walk past they're all yapping going "Hiya!"
"Hiya, I could live in your house.
I could, I'd be great in your house, I'd love to live in your house.
I'd love the kids, I'd be dead good, I wouldn't make a mess.
I'd love to live in your house, I'd be g--
Ah, piss off then!
Hiya, I could live in your house.
I'd be great in your house." Honest to God...
They all want to be picked, the only way I can describe it...
It's like going to Amsterdam on a stag do.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
And the same thing crosses you minds.
Where you go, "Oh, I dunno, that one looks good but I think it might bite."
So you carry on. - AUDIENCE LAUGHS
And we got to the end
to where she was, our dog, the one that she picked
Sheba the German Shepherd
and she was the only dog that didn't bark.
She just lay there and just looked at us and went...
"You don't want me."
AUDIENCE: Ah.
"I'm an old dog."
"No one wants an old dog."
"I know, I've been here for months, I don't even get off the concrete now."
"I know no one wants me."
AUDIENCE GIGGLES
"Get a puppy, go on."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
"Go and get yourself a puppy, all the puppies are that way."
"Go and get a PUPPY"
I thought, "Fuck me, a talking dog!"
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
JOHN LAUGHS
Aye! You don't get many of them do ya?
I know, but we got her and she was great. So we've always had...
rescue dogs, but honestly
it's gone bonkers now, we've just got everything.
Like we've got... we've got chickens
turkeys, uh... geese
sheep, um... guinea fowl
alpacas...
Have you seen alpacas?
Alpacas are what God made with the bits he had left in the box.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
He's finished the world, looked out and gone "Oh, Jesus Christ."
Well, he wouldn't have said that but he's uh...
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
JOHN LAUGHS
He's finished the world, looked down and gone
"What have I got here? I've got goats feet
sheep bodies
giraffe's neck and Leo Sayer's head.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS - What am I gonna do with that?
So we've got them, we've got uh...
We've got these other things called rheas.
Which I'd never even heard of. These things, they're like...
They're like ostriches, I'd never even heard of them.
And we started off with six.
Melanie got them as eggs and hatched them out.
We started with six, we've now got about 23.
We only live in a flat.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS - They're massive.
And when we started with them, right.
They're brilliant, honestly, they're the most feminist animal ever.
Because when we started with them
there was four who used to hang around together like that
and we found out that they're the females.
You can't tell when they're young who's male or female.
We found out that they're the females, right.
So they just hang around with their mates going
"Anyway I said to him", "You never!", "I did".
"And then what happened?", "Well he told me", "He never!", "He did!".
So the female walks around wherever she wants
and lays her egg wherever she wants.
So she'll just go, "Oh, hang on Janet."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
"Oh, God, I'm glad that's out."
Massive! They're like a rugby ball.
"Oh, you haven't half lost weight", "You think so?"
Right, the male rhea...
You can always spot a male rhea
because they just spend their time doing that.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Where's the kids?
What have you done with the kids?
They just spend all their time looking for the eggs, right?
Cos she doesn't lay it near the nest.
He has to find the egg.
Right, he then has to roll it to the nest.
He's got no hands.
Jesus, that's funny to watch, you see him...
HE MUTTERS: You fuckin'...
He has to roll it to the nest
that he built.
Then when he gets a clutch of them, six or eight of them
he sits on them
he hatches them
and he brings them up until they're adult.
While she just fucking walks around with her mates, doing this!
It's brilliant!
If you go into the field, they have a go at you and everything.
It's brilliant, it's brilliant. They're like proper emu hard things.
So we've got loads of them.
But the other thing that we've got before I move on is...
I've got to tell you this because we have got
the world's only
medically certified hypochondriac pig.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Cos we got three pigs, right. We've got a pot-bellied pig called Milo
which came from the RSPCA
and then when they found out that we could have pigs
they phoned up and said "We've found another pig, another two pigs."
Uh, cos someone would have bought them when they were little
and they grew to this mad rare
English long back breed.
Massive. Honest to God, these pigs are massive.
You know like a pantomime horse has got two men in?
This is like two men in a pig suit.
Massive.
But one of them developed a limp, like that.
Walking with a limp.
And there's a vet called Hugo who comes to our house all the time
cos he thinks it's a cash point.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
And the pig's limping
and I said, "Hugo, the pig's limping there." He went, "Yeah, I know".
I said, "Well...
you're a vet, what do you think it is?"
He said, "I don't know."
I said, "Do you think it might be old age?"
He said, "Oh, it could be".
He said, "I've never seen a pig that old, they're normally sausages by now."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I said, "Well, don't you think we should do something?
Do you think we should X-ray it?"
He went, "I can't x-ray that!" He said, "Have you seen the size of it?"
He said, "I couldn't get that in my surgery and X-ray it!"
So my wife organised for the pig
to go to Liverpool University Hospital
in a little piggy ambulance
cos they're linked with Knowsley Safari Park so they've got equipment to X-ray zebras
and giraffes and everything. It spends four days there
for assessments with full board and lodgings
and comes back with a report.
And the report said that "We've done MRI scans on the pig."
"We've done X-rays on the pig
and we have seen signs of mild inflammation in the pig's left hand shoulder.
However, the extent of the inflammation
does not match the extent of the limp.
Therefore, we can only conclude
that the problem is in the pig's mind."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I said, "If you think I'm paying for a piggy counsellor, you can piss off!"
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
But we've got all of this
and that's what happens, you try and re-gear your life
you try and reshape it, but it doesn't matter
when your kids go, something's...
gone that you never think you're gonna get back.
So I went into a proper depression.
Like a real depression, I'd walk into the living room.
If Harry Potter was on I'd start crying
going. "I miss my kids, I took them to see that."
So Melanie phoned the boys up
and said, "Listen, you're gonna have to come home your dad's gone a bit...
gone a bit odd. You're gonna have to come home.
Your dad's on a downer, you're gonna have to come home for the weekend."
So the three of them, bless them, they all came home for the weekend.
And it was lovely...
for about half an hour.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
And then after half an hour you see the gap in the generations.
See, if you're living with the next generation every clay
you don't see the differences between us but, Jesus...
If they go off for three months and come back
oh, my God, it's like they're from another planet!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
But the one that got me.
The one that really got me, that showed the distance between the generations
was my oldest son.
He's a good-looking boy, fair enough, he's 23.
Sat a the kitchen table on his phone going...
Uh.
MAKES MOANING NOISES
No, oh, Jeez no...
MAKES MOANING NOISES
HE WHINES No.
HE LAUGHS
Right, shout out if you know what that is.
AUDIENCE SHOUT - Tinder, yes, yes, thank you.
I always ask people to shout out
cos it creates tension amongst couples.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
One of the most... "Tinder! Don't know, love, don't know what that is."
Tinder. So I said, "What's that?"
It's a dating app which I'd heard of but didn't know how it worked.
I said, "Alright, what happens? How does it work?"
He said, "Well what you do is, you load up your profile."
So you might say like
"I live in London, uh... I like comedy
I support Liverpool, I ride a bike
uh... and I eat quiche."
So you put all these parameters in
and then you send them to the...
to the app that lives in the cloud in the sky.
And what it does, is there's an algorithm
that'll then match you up as much as possible
with all of those parameters so it'll send you back
the profiles of people who also live in London, like comedy
urn... ride a bike
and eat quiche.
So it sends it... So it won't get everything but it will do the best
So it basically filters out the whole world for you
and just sends you
profile pictures of people that you already match.
And by the way, these are profile pictures as they are now.
You know like people take pictures of themselves now?
There not like pictures of yourself used to look.
Cos a picture of yourself just used to be that didn't it?
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Where as for whatever reason now
when you take a picture of yourself
you've got to look like someone's just stuck a finger up your arse
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Oh.
So he's looking at all these pictures
and what he does, if he doesn't like someone he throws them in the bin
just dismisses them, swipes left, goes "Go on, get off my phone."
"Got no chance, go away. Off."
"Please no." So he throws them away.
But if he likes them, he swipes right.
And if they've done the same and they've swiped right on him
which means that they like him
that means they are a match within the app. I said
"Well, what happens then?"
He said, "Well, then you communicate via the app
you build up some trust and once you build up some trust
you can swap personal details like phone numbers.
Then you can phone each other and you can hear each other speak.
And then you can arrange to meet.
And then you might go for a drink
or you might go for a meal
and if you still like each other you might have a shag."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I said, "Oh, my God son, you've filtered the whole world out just for that!"
I said, "You know what we used to do?"
We used to walk into a room
and take what we could find.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
There was no filter!
No one ever walked into a disco in the 80s and went
"Excuse me mate, can you just turn the music down?"
Just a bit, just a minute, just turn it down, thanks, mate.
Yeah, just a minute, thanks.
Right!
Can everybody who likes quiche come over here for a minute?
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
You just dealt with what was in front of you.
And I was speaking to a mate of mine who's got night clubs in Belfast
and he said, "Oh, mate, that's the way it is now"
He said, "You see them all, the first hour or so
it's all on their phones
setting up the rest of their night."
He said, "Cos the apps will tell you
if there's someone in the same building on the same app
whether you're still available and all this stuff.
He said, "Sometimes...
they don't even do that, they just find someone's name out
get on that person's Facebook profile and poke them."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I mean for Christ sake, where I lived
if you'd have poked a girl, she'd have glassed you.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
And so what upset me though, the reason that that got me
was something that had happened two weeks before
because I'd come home and Melanie had been watching the tele.
What happens now...
cos the kids have gone when I go home
I go home to a dark, empty house
cos normally after a gig, Melanie's... you know, it's late Melanie's gone to bed
and it's horrible, you just go home to be lonely.
Because you've go to remember like we've had teenagers in the house
for like ten years so there was always a crack.
There was always something happening.
They were up or their mates were up
or something was going on, someone to talk to.
There's no one now, nothing.
And as a comedian, sometimes you need a chat.
So we've got one of those Alexa machines
have you seen those?
That has a little woman living inside it
and you can ask it anything and it'll give you an answer
which is probably why they gave it a fucking woman's voice, to be fair, uh...
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Nothing wrong with that!
It's not being sexist, it's saying you're cleverer than us.
So anyway, I come home sometimes and I just talk to Alexa
just to have someone to talk to, cos even the dogs don't say hello anymore.
They don't... Well, like got two clogs
and one's not that bothered if I come home
cos he's just lazy, but the other one really loves me.
But the dog that really loves me has gone deaf.
Which is sad on one level, but it's great on another
cos it means every time he sees me it's a massive surprise. He's like...
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
IN A HIGH VOICE: "How'd you get in the living room?
I didn't hear you come in the house! How'd you get in the living room?"
It's brilliant, honest to God.
Any married man in here who hasn't got a dog, get a dog!
You need someone in the house that's pleased you've come home.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
So anyway, what I've started doing is
I've started saying to Melanie, "Look, if I'm not gonna be back too late
will you stay up?" And, uh, so she does to be fair.
So she's there but often she'll have a glass of wine
and I'll walk in and she'll be like that going
HE IMITATES HIS WIFE GIGGLING
"Were you funny?"
UNDER HIS BREATH: "Saying the same old shit
you've been saying for years" - AUDIENCE LAUGHS
IN A LOUD VOICE: "Did they laugh?"
"Did they laugh, did they? Did they laugh?"
UNDER HIS BREATH: "Yeah, well they don't fucking live
with you, do they? - HE MUMBLES INTO HIS GLASS
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
JOHN LAUGHS
Right, the first time I did that mumbling into the glass bit, right
was when Melanie came to see the show in Brighton.
And I only did it as a little joke.
Cos she was in the audience.
And she came up to me after the gig and went
"I am so sorry, I never thought you could hear me."
JOHN LAUGHS - AUDIENCE LAUGHS
This whole tour has been worth it just for that moment!
When she said that, I fell over!
But anyway, because she stays up the tele was on in the background
and there was a programme on that I'd heard of but I'd never seen before
a dating show called Naked Attract/on.
AUDIENCE SIGHS AND LAUGHS
Right, well those who've seen it know that what I'm about to say is just true.
Those who haven't seen it, what I'm about to say is just true.
It is unbelievable!
Particularly when you compare it
to the dating show of our youth which was what?
Blind Date, yeah, Blind Date.
So for those who don't remember Blind Date
Blind Date was a similar premise to Naked Attraction.
The person looking for a date
couldn't see the people they were gonna have a date with.
Hosted by a woman called Cilla Black.
And what she used to do, yeah...
So what she used to do, she used to get a boy or a girl on this seat
a screen there and three members of the opposite sex there.
And she'd ask them a question, so she goes
"So, uh..."
EXAGGERATED LIVERPOOL ACCENT: "So Michelle...
You're looking for a new boyfriend, Michelle?
She was Scottish, I don't know if you know that...
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
"You're looking for a new boyfriend, Michelle."
"Uh, what kind of a boyfriend are you after?
And then the girl would go
LISPING: "Hiya, Cilla."
HE MOUTHS: "Hello Mum!"
"I just want a boyfriend, Cilia."
"I want a boyfriend I can have some fun with."
"I like going to discotheques and I like going roller-skating
and I like going horse riding.
So I just want a boyfriend that I can have some fun with and do that."
And Cilla would go, "Oh, well that's lovely."
And then she'd walk forward for no reason what so ever
and look at the three boys and go
and then she'd come back like that. - AUDIENCE LAUGHS
"Well, we all wish you a Iorra, lorra luck with that, don't we folks?"
"So, have you got a question for the boys, Michelle?"
And she'd go, "Yeah, yeah, I have Cilia. I have."
"Hiya, boys."
"I like going horse riding and roller-skating at the discotheque
and if I came home after doing all of that
and I was hungry
and I wanted to eat a dessert
and you were the dessert
what dessert would you be?"
AUDIENCE LAUGHS - HE MUTTERS: For fuck's sake.
"And I'll ask that to number one."
Then the cameras would come on the boys and the lads would be sat there going
HE GIGGLES - "Get off, get off.."
IN A YORKSHIRE ACCENT: "Allo, Michelle."
"Hello, Michelle, I like desserts as well, Michelle
and if... HE STUTTERS
If I were a dessert for you, Michelle
I'd be spotted dick!"
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
"No, cos I'd love to fill you up!"
And uh...
And then Cilla would step forward and go, "Oh, aye!"
n
"Cheeky, wasn't he a bit cheeky, sorry to the folks at home.
Sorry about that, eh? It was a little bit racy."
That's "a little bit racy."
Oh, my God. Times have changed!
There's Naked Attraction, fight
hosted by a woman called Anna Richardson
who's brilliant at it, can't imagine anyone else doing it.
The one that I saw, there was a girl on.
There was a gay woman looking for another gay woman.
They have gay men looking for gay men.
Men looking for women, women looking for men.
Everyone's treated exactly the same, the way it should be.
So she's there with this girl, and she goes, "So".
"So, Gemma you're...
you're looking for a new girlfriend.
What kind of a girl are you looking for?"
And she went, "Well, I...
I'm really passionate about history so I enjoy going to museums a lot.
I'm vegan so I really love organic cooking.
I spend a lot of time in the countryside, I love walks, but...
my true passion is the theatre. I really love the theatre.
So, someone who shares some of those passions would be marvellous.
And she goes, "Oh that's... that's really nice. OK, well...
Well, let's see what we can do."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
She turns round.
There's six pods... with screens.
The screens come up with the contestants in, to there.
The screens come to there, you can't see anything above.
You just see below.
Not a stitch on!
There's literally just a row of fannies.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
All stood like that. This row of fannies.
It looks like a shit Top of the Pops of the 80s.
Cos two of them look like they're out of the Jackson Five
there's a couple of Mohicans and Right Said Fred.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
And they're all stood like that, and she goes
"So, urn...
So, Gemma, does anyone catch your eye?"
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Does anyone catch your eye? It's a row of fannies! As if you're gonna go
"Oh, I tell you what, that fanny looks like it enjoys a museum doesn't it?"
I couldn't believe it, I said to Melanie
"Give me that wine, I am watching this!"
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
They stand there
for a few minutes like...
I don't even know what the collective noun is for lots of fannies but...
Discussing what's in front of them, and then...
This is the bit I couldn't believe, like a pair of farmers, they walked over
for a closer look. They're like...
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
They're there! They're that close to the fanny!
I'm half expecting the fanny to answer, go...
HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES
"Well, what do you think?"
I... I think it looks a little bit lop-sided to me
What do you think? - AUDIENCE LAUGHS
They're like that by each one going
"Oh, I don't know about that one, I think you need...
You'd need a torch if you went in there. You'd never get out!"
They do this
fanny by fanny!
Unbelievable! And then...
at that point
she has to reject one of them.
Purely based on what her fanny looks like.
I couldn't believe it. It used to take us weeks to get to the fanny!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
You'd just be grateful to be there.
I don't know anyone who's ever got to the fanny and gone
"Oh, let's leave it, eh?"
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
"Honestly, it's not you, it's me.
No, it's not you, it's me, I just...
I just wasn't expecting that". That's never happened!
So, I couldn't believe it.
So she does this. She picks one of them to reject.
Screen comes up, this poor girl's stood there completely naked.
Comes out, "I'm really sorry, I'm really sorry."
Kiss, kiss on the cheek.
She walks off, final indignation
camera on her arse as she wobbles off.
I'm like, "Oh, my God, I can't believe that!"
I said to Melanie, "I can't believe how brutal that was."
That poor kid has told everyone she's going on the tele.
She's told all her mates
everyone at work.
They're all gonna say to her tomorrow, "So how did you get on on tele?"
She's gonna have to go...
"Fucking fanny let rne down again!"
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
"Honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do with it!"
I couldn't believe it.
But then it continues.
It goes from there to there.
So then it's boobs.
What kind of boobs do you like? Do you like big ones, little ones?
Do you like inverted nipples, pointy nipples?
Pierced nipples? Which apparently get in your fillings.
So that's a conversation, that happens.
She rejects the one from there
and then the next stage
the final contestants are revealed in full
from head to toe so you see the whole person
and it was at this point
Anna Richardson the host said something that's never been said
on planet Earth before.
Cos there was never a reason for anyone to ever say it.
When the screen comes up to reveal the full person
of the remaining contestants
in full from head to toe, Anna Richardson goes
"Oh, God!"
"Now, I'll be honest with you
I would never have put that minge with that face!"
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Like, who has ever clone that?
That's the worst game of Guess Who ever!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
So, when I saw that...
When I saw that, the rejection going on with that
and I saw my lads rejecting people on the phone
I was saying, "Lads, don't do that, don't filter out the world, take a chance."
And he went, "Alright then, how did you meet my mum?"
I thought, "OK, I've never told him."
Cos you never tell your kids stuff like that do you?
So I told him the story cos...
I told him the story cos I remember every detail of it.
It was in the 80s.
I was in a library in Manchester.
Uh, and I saw Melanie, and because it was the 80s she had big hair.
All combed back. Big head like that.
Big head, little face right in the middle of this massive big head.
Big glasses.
She had a white top on, faded denim jeans, little Reebok boots.
Uh, I was wearing a tracksuit.
Because...
If you're not from the 80s you may not know that at that time there was a law
in England that said, if you've got my accent
you have to wear a tracksuit.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
So I had this tracksuit and I saw her.
And I looked at her and she did something you can't do with an app.
She looked back at me.
I caught her eye, she looked back
and then she did something else that was amazing.
She got her glasses and she pulled them down.
So she looked at me over the rim of the glasses
you know, like a sexy secretary?
I thought, "Oh, my God, that is the biggest come on
I've ever seen in my life!"
I mean, now I'm married to her, I know she's long-sighted. But I...
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
She just couldn't see what that colourful blob was
in the corner. That was my tracksuit.
She was looking at me light that.
But I took that as... as the come on.
Cos that's what I said to my lads, "You know, we didn't have apps."
You didn't work things out, you had to go off signals.
I thought, "That's a signal. That's the signal."
I said, "When you've got the signal then you have to walk over.
But you had to do it with confidence."
So I walked over to her like that.
AUDIENCE GIGGLES
I said, "I'll be back in a minute, we can go for a coffee."
To which she said...
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
"What makes you think I want to go for a coffee with you?"
To which I said, and this is the killer...
"Cos you do."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
And then I sauntered away.
But as I'm telling the lads this story, Melanie went
"But you didn't come back."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I said, "Of course I came back, we're married with kids."
She said, "No you didn't come back for 45 minutes.
And I kept sitting there thinking
'The arrogant cocky git, who does he think he is?"'
She said, "lf I didn't have an assignment to get in
I would have left after ten minutes.
Cos I thought, 'what an arrogant, cocky sod.'
But I had to sit there and finish it."
And I said, "Well, you're wrong."
I said, "I didn't realise it was 45 minutes, I knew it was a while.
But you're wrong as to the reasons why.
It wasn't because I was being cocky and arrogant
I wasn't because I thought I was better than you.
It's because, the moment I saw you
I knew you were out of my league
and I didn't know anyone who knew you.
I didn't know your name. I didn't know anyone who knew anything about you.
I couldn't go on your Faoebook profile and see what you'd had for breakfast."
I said, "So I spent 45 minutes
being scared, because I knew if I got you for a coffee
I knew the moment I saw you
if I managed to get you to sit down with me for a coffee
it could be five minutes that could change my life.
And I just knew it
and so I was too scared to come back.
I spent all that time building up the bottle
to come back. It wasn't cos I was cocky.
It was cos I was afraid.
I didn't want to get it wrong." And that's what I said to my lads.
"Sometimes in life...
be too scared to speak to people, don't filter the world out.
Take a chance.
Cos if you do, you don't know what will happen."
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS
Well, it's true. Thank you, but it's true. It's absolutely true.
That woman that I was once too scared to talk to
I'm comfortable enough with now
to make love to while the dog licks my foot.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Cos that's what you find yourself doing in marriage, innit?
When you find yourself in that situation, you know...
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
And she's going
"What's wrong with you?"
"Frigging dog's licking my foot."
"Well just tell him to get off!"
"I can't, he's deaf."
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS
HE LAUGHS Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna finish in a minute.
Um... but
I'll be honest with you, it's difficult with me sometimes
to find a way of ending a show because...
because it's not really a show.
It's not jokes, it's just stuff that's happened.
And I was talking to Melanie about it and she said
"Well, if you're gonna end the show, end it honestly.
Just tell them the truth."
Because when I do this, people go, "Oh, have you made all that up?"
She said, "No just tell them the truth" and what's happened has happened.
You know I did... I did turn 50.
I did get old and my kids did leave home
and it did upset me. It upset me massively.
But it's different now.
Cos I take the piss out of the internet but it's changed everything because now...
Now, cos the kids do these lnstagram stories.
Like when we left home you'd phone home till the pips went out
and then you'd phone back three months later.
Whereas now, kids have all got lnstagram.
So they post these lnstagram stories.
So I can see them when they don't even know I can see them.
Which I love, because you know what it's like if you're a parent.
A kid can break your heart
to a thousand pieces and put it back together with a smile
and you just need to see it.
Sometimes that means everything
so Melanie said, "Just do that."
"Just do the same that you ask of them."
"Just do your lnstagram story of this show."
So this is my story of the show.
Alexa?
How big is my cock?
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
ALEXA: I'd rather not answer that.
MUSIC: "You're the Best Thing About Me" by U2 # When you look so good #
# The pain in your face doesn't show #
# When you look so good #
# And baby you don't even know #
# When the world is ours #
# The world is not your kind of thing #
# Full of shooting stars #
# Brighter as they're vanishing #
# Oh you've seen enough to know it's children who teach #
# You're still free enough to wake up on a bed or a beach #
# You're the best thing about me #
# The best thing that ever happened a boy #
# You're the best thing about me #
# I'm the kind of trouble that you enjoy #
# You're the best thing about me #
# The best things are easy to destroy #
# You're the best thing about me #
# The best thing about me #
# I been crying out "How bad can a good time be?" #
# Shooting off my mouth is another great thing about me #
# I have everything but I feel like nothing at all #
# There's no risky thing for a man who's determined to fall #
# You're the best thing about me #
# The best thing that ever happened a boy #
# You're the best thing about me #
# I'm the kind of trouble that you enjoy #
# You're the best thing about me #
# The best things are easy to destroy #
# You're the best thing about me #
# Why am I #
# Why am I walking away? #
# I can see it all so clearly #
# I can see what you can't see #
# I can see you love her loudly #
# When she needs you quietly #
# You're the best thing about me #
# The best things are easy to destroy #
# You're the best thing about me #
# Why am I? #
# Why am I walking away? #
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen
Thank you for coming out, as I say, these were bonus gigs, but you know...
To call this a bonus, to be somewhere like this
I never dreamed of coming
this has been wonderful.
I've gotta thank all the crew who've been with me
throughout the tour, Adam and everybody else
gotta thank each and everyone who helped
who helped put all this together
and Cameron who's directed it, but mainly
I've gotta thank you for coming out and sharing the evening with me
and God willing, I'll see you again soon, thank you.
Good night and God bless, thank you.
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS
Thank you.
Thanks everyone, good night and God bless. Thank you.
MUSIC CONTINUES: "You're the Best Thing About Me" by U2